Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Pumpkin can be a force of nature.
Sometimes she just does not understand why the world will not bend to her will.
Today, it is her honors pre-algebra that is giving her fits. It isn't that she can't understand or learn what is required; she just doesn't think that she needs this particular knowledge at all or the way her teacher wants her to learn it and she wants the math curriculum to be changed.
Pumpkin also is angry that she has her period again. She yelled earlier 'Who's stupid design idea was it that we get this thing for YEARS before we need it and for YEARS after we need it?'
As a peri-menopausal woman of 44, I agree wholeheartedly, but that isn't where I was going with this post. LOL
Although tempted to just shake my head at Pumpkin's stubborness and blow it off, maybe, just maybe, her stubborn unacceptance of these and many other inconveniences/occurences in her life will serve her well.
Maybe far better than my own quiet, calm, acceptance that was part of my personality growing up.
I guess only time will tell, and I am in no rush to find out. There is plenty of time for reflection on it all years from now when she is an adult and I am in a rocking chair, maybe with a few grandkids nearby.
And, I am enjoying the show too much to wish it away too quickly.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Tempus fugit. Time flies. Youth is wasted on the young.
All so true.
But, you don't really get it until you are of a certain age.
I remember my mom telling me all the time when I was a kid and a teen, that each year that passes gets faster and faster. I thought that was the most ridiculous statement I ever heard! A year is a year! Period. 365 days.
Somewhere in my mid-thirties I started to get it. Now, I know it is true.
So, what to do? How do live life to its fullest, to the utmost of your ability when you are saddled with chronic illness that impedes it?
How do you do it when the mind and heart is willing but the flesh is too weak, too painful, too impaired?
How do you not become endlessly frustrated? Like the Greek legend of Sisyphus, pushing the gigantic rock up the hill and having it fall back down on you crushing you for all eternity OVER and OVER again?
Oh. Were you expecting me to have some wise and wonderful answer to give? Some glib answer, or pollyanna-ish retort saying 'don't worry, be happy'?
Because if you were expecting that of me, hoping to read that today, you are in the wrong place.
Nope. I don't know how not to be frustrated because I am. I am frustrated. I am mad. I AM Sisyphus. I have good days, but know they will only be followed by bad eventually. I have bad days, knowing that the good will come too.
It is a roller coaster as chronic disease always is and I am always either on the hill ticking up to a high or crashing down to a new low.
It is very similar to dealing with death/grief and the stages of it. Anger, denial, bargaining, and acceptance, over and over and over.
There are days I want to scream, wail and keen, 'MAKE IT STOP, LET ME OFF'. Like now. Like today.
I wish that it could be different. I keep hoping for the next great drug to try that may be a magic wand, but truly, no magic wand will ever exist. At least not in my lifetime. The drugs will work and then they won't. There is always hope though, and I do cling to that. I have to do so. The alternative is less pleasant.
I see how easy it would be to spiral into a deep and lasting depression. I really do. The darkness is always there. Just nipping at the heels of the light.
I am in email loop with a group of women some of whom have been dealing with this disease for close to 30 years. Most of them are in the 60's, some in their 50's and one in her 70's, but they all have the same frustrations and maybe some more wisdom. We share each and every day about our lives, and our disease, and our coping or lack there of, and we know that no one else really 'get it' except each other. We cling to that. We have to because we need each other.
I haven't shared with my Loopies (our name for ourselves) my latest crash on the coaster. I don't know why. They will read this blog post and they will know it happened and maybe I'll be ready to talk about it soon.
I am not ready now. I want to get off the coaster.
I want the life that I thought I would have by now. I want the years to slow down because I will never be able to fit in all the things I want to do before I die. I want to take care of my parents, physically and monetarily and emotionally, instead of them taking care of me.
I want the ride to stop.
But it won't. Sigh.
Here's to hoping that soon I start to hear that ticking sound. You know the one I mean? The ticking sound that the roller coaster makes as it starts to pull your car to the top again.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
1. I am thankful to be back on my blog!
2. Thankful that Fuzzy seems to have not broken his leg/knee in his injury yesterday, even if we are cautiously treating it as such.
3. Coffee. Coffee, coffee, coffee.
4. Thankful that my recent head cold/ear infection seems to have resolved itself quickly and on its own.
5. Thankful that at Pumpkin's 13th birthday party hotel sleepover I was able to get 4 hours of sleep. The girls got 2. lol And, very thankful that we got a reduced room rate and the adjoining room free, including breakfast.
6. Thankful that both my parents are alive and relatively healthy, and able to give me help and support with the house and the kids. I don't know how I would ever manage without them.
7. Thankful that both my parents are also my friends. We have fun together and enjoy being together as a family and even just going out as two couples. I am very blessed.
8. Thankful for all the silly things between my hubby and myself that make me laugh. It is so true that just laughing together or with the kids can be full of healing/soothing energy and it helps me cope.
9. That Fuzzy will be doing his Eagle Scout project soon over two weekends, and he and Hammer will be able to have their Court of Honor together in May! YAY!
10. Thankful for friends that in person and online make my life better. The support, love and consideration helps me cope. Coping can sometimes mean whining, complaining, being cranky and sad. Sometimes it means laughing, sharing and hugging. It's great to have pals to share the good and the bad.
11. Thankful for Facebook. Mindless games help me cope with pain and stress. Reconnecting and staying connected with old friends and new so easily is just a wonderful blessing. We are so lucky for technology that aids us in this way. Yes, you have to wary and set your security settings well and all, but it is worth the time and effort!
12. Thankful that Libby is moving better with her arthritis now that we are giving her buffered aspirin twice a day. :-) Thankful that she and the cats give us so much joy.
Well, that is it for today...