Since (I've) Been Gone

Wow, so much has gone on in the last month, and yet, so much has not happened all at the same time. Strange that. Very strange.

Bringing you up to speed... The biggest news by far is that my boys had their Eagle Scout Court of Honor... picture above. They have about 10 plaques and 30 plus letters each from local, state, and national organizations, current and former presidents, vp's, senators, governors etc. It was a really moving ceremony (altho 95 degrees in the school gym) and afterward we had a nice party back at the house!

The Eagle Scout ceremony was the at the end of a string of consecutive weekends of camping and the HUGE spaghetti dinner fund raiser that the Scouts do and my Hubby chairs. And, the Monday right after I went away!

Mom and I went to Atlantic City for her work. This was my 4th May conference with my mom. It was nice. We enjoyed ourselves and I came home with $100 more than I left with! Always a plus! We had nice dinners and fun playing poker machines and lots of slots.

Unfortunately, my health didn't cooperate fully during any of this and by the time I arrived home I was a mess.

Full lupus flare, with the whole peripheral neuropathy thing going on. That is pins/needles/numbness and pain. It was down my entire right side. From the tip of my head to my toes. I have spent the last week tossing and turning, and resting.

I have been experimenting with my meds and with self medicating with a little wine/beer/or liquor to help me sleep. Normally, I wouldn't do this, but I am waiting to get into the new rheumatologist in July. Ack.

This weekend, Memorial Weekend (kudos and thank you to all in the service, past and present) we have nothing much to do. Tomorrow, the boys are heading in to NYC to see the Fleet Week ships and then we have a family BBQ to go to.

Coming soon we have a combination Scout trip and family trip to the Inner Harbor, Baltimore. My dad is coming too (mom and my bil Uncle K will be home) and we are trying to get to a game at Camden Yards on Friday night, Saturday is Fort McHenry, then Hubby and the kids are sleeping on the USS Constellation with the troop. The ship was a former slave ship before being commandeered for the Navy and becoming a war ship in the Civil War and after. Then, Sunday we want to go to the National Aquarium. It is awesome. We visited in 2001 and the kids barely remember it.

As you can imagine, having the Lupus acting up is not going to mesh with the Baltimore weekend plans.

Enter the PREDNISONE. Yes folks, this will be my third round of the dreaded stuff since the holidays. It's a love hate relationship... it works, but the long term side effects are not good. Even in the short term a taper makes you a little nuts, but I need to do it. I need to be in better shape to push my body for the trip.

Things have been hard. Very hard. Lots of tears, lots of frustration. Lots of pain and not enough meds to cope.

It is hard realizing that I am probably not going to be able to do all the things I thought I would do. I want to travel, see the US and Europe, Alaska, Australia. Probably not going to happen. I want to see my grandchildren and do awesome stuff with them... I can barely do stuff with my kids, so that is probably not going to happen. I thought I would go back to school someday for fun... probably not going to happen.

I often feel I am not enough. Not good enough at being a mom, at being a wife, at being a daughter. Lots of little comments and jibes from family seemed to be repeatedly driving that point home. Why isn't this done? Why can't you? Why are you too tired? Why? Why? Why?

They know why. I know why. It sucks for everyone dealing with this chronic illness/disease/pain.

It's been hard.

Yesterday, I was having a particularly bad day and my dad handed me a box. He said it was a Mother's Day gift he bought me but it was on backorder and just arrived. It is a gold heart with rose and a ruby. On the back it says, 'My little girl yesterday, my friend today, my daughter forever'.

Needless to say I was overwhelmed. Lots of tears.

Maybe, life isn't that bad. Maybe the fact that I am blessed with the love of my parents and Hubby and kids is enough. It is has always been enough for me, but...

... even more importantly, maybe I am enough for them. Maybe just maybe.

Hope this finds you well...